


there is no fear in falling

by saltyvenus



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt No Comfort, POV Second Person, Past Relationship(s), no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26779639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltyvenus/pseuds/saltyvenus
Summary: i don't want to be just anyone you pass by.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Annie Leonhart
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	there is no fear in falling

**Author's Note:**

> angst....ANGST!!!!! 
> 
> am I the only one who felt such tension when mikasa said 'annie fall?' just me? okokok
> 
> also I don't think I've ever written in 2nd person pov, its kinda fun I must say

you don’t realize just how bad it’s become with mikasa. you still remember that first kiss, behind the barracks, late in the evening, her hands shaking as they cupped your face, scared and lonely. you let her, of course, it’s mikasa ackerman. a refusal to her would be just as horrible as a slap to the face. 

it had felt like a breath of fresh air, a fleeting moment. the  _ tiniest _ of moments, you thought it could’ve worked out. mikasa had been grinning after that, and so were you, though it didn’t reach your eyes completely.

she doesn’t even kiss you anymore.

xx

you only start to notice, that all feelings have been evaporated, sucked from deep within her soul, when it’s a little too late. you’re pretty sure mikasa has moved past all the sappy moments, the thrill and contentment of being in love, or maybe she’s just sick of trying to hide this ‘relationship’ from others, from your comrades, from eren. 

ultimately, you fall way faster than she does. it is a sickly thought, to actually care and worry about someone else, you hate how soft you’ve become in the course of these past few months of training, you’ve let yourself become sidetracked by miniscule, unnecessary things that  _ aren’t _ a part of the planned mission. 

you aren’t lovesick, you are not infatuated with mikasa ackerman, but it’s a similar feeling that leaves you empty and confused. 

xx

group hangouts around the campfire, in the dead of the night, aren’t all that uncommon, in fact they happen more times that they don’t, three nights per week is the maximum. it’s just something to let loose and relax after long training hours, but you think it’s pretty pointless to attend. 

you still end up going, though, if reiner’s constant pleading wasn’t enough to hurt your poor eardrums and bertholdt’s nagging, and it’s just as shitty as you expect it to be. the campfire in the middle is barely a spark, sasha and connie desperately throwing in sticks and logs to make it bigger, whilst jean yells at them and marco’s trying to calm down his friend. 

you peer up at reiner, taking a seat on the grass, who just shrugs. but you can’t leave now, not when your presence has already been noticed. it isn’t possible for you to sneak away into the night like you usually do, there’s people surrounding you in every corner. 

and in every corner, you can feel a set of eyes boring into your skull. but the one that is the most prominent, you’re certain at who it is anyways, is in the far left, seated between eren and armin, dark expression plastered across her face, mikasa.

when you turn to look at her, your eyes meet, steely grey amongst baby blue. it is only for the briefest moment, a glance, a glare, suddenly you’ve forgotten how addictive mikasa’s gaze is when she is staring upon you. 

it isn’t like her, to just give up and end it all, to not put in further effort, but you decide, you  _ realize _ , that perhaps you don’t actually know mikasa all that well. nobody does, really, mikasa ackerman is an enigma as much as a delightful mystery. 

but then, there’s a spark. mikasa’s still looking, yet you immediately recognize why. it causes a huge lump in your throat and you try not to act surprised, or scared, even, when it hits you all at once. 

_ she knows _ . you think when you finally tear your eyes away from mikasa, shuffling closer to reiner and bertholdt.  _ that’s the reason _ .

you attempt to forget about it for the rest of the night, hoping to enjoy whatever is left of it, even with mikasa’s constant staring like there is an imaginary target on your back - but you think you’ve put it there yourself. 

still, you feel yourself becoming heated at the thought that you should’ve been more cautious.

xx

“she knows.” you blurt out after meeting with reiner and bertholdt the next morning. your hands are slightly shaky, uneasy. you haven’t felt proper peace since yesterday, though nowadays, peace is as rare as anything. 

“who knows?” bertholdt raises his eyebrow, yet you can tell that his nerves are slowly starting to give in, the thin layer of sweat on his forehead gives it away.

you swallow, looking down at your boots, at the dried and dead grass. you wonder how many times it’s going to come to this. “mikasa.” 

“ackerman knows?” reiner’s face turns into a serious and stark expression, it has you taking a step back from him. you almost forget how scary he can be sometimes. 

you nod at his question, and he huffs in annoyance. reiner’s only practical when it comes down to the mission, you’re sure of it. “fuck. okay, just…keep your distance from her. i’ll think of something.”

your eyebrows furrow together, there is a heavy shift in tone but it seems like you’re the only one who is aware of it. the bile in your throat rises. “what?” 

reiner’s back had been turned for a second, but he whips his head right back around to squint down at you. “i  _ said _ stay away.”

you think it’s what she wants, for you to stay away. you think that maybe it was her plan all along. mikasa is a strategic girl. you wouldn’t expect any less from your counterpart, your rival, your...once, lover. 

xx

you do keep your distance like reiner says, yet it isn’t any different than before, you’re more careful this time, you don’t leave your gaze to linger on mikasa any longer than usual, you convince yourself it’s for the best. even if it hurts, and you  _ curse _ yourself for still having these persistent feelings, the mission is always the top priority. 

that is, until mikasa corners you in the empty training grounds late in the afternoon. the straws and the wood from the dummies are lodged into your hand after you’ve demolished them, painful splinters sticking out of your queasy skin. it’s numb all over, especially when mikasa is standing right before you.

you take a step back when she takes one forward, her eyes are nothing short of suspicion, speculation, and you have the urge to flinch in response. but you’re not a coward. 

“you’re a monster.” is all she says, it rings in your mind like a prayer. it hurts, for you to be subjected to this, for something you can’t control, by mikasa. you realize it’s inevitable for there to be another way, as long as the mission is still in play, you are dragged down by it.

your posture straightens up, leveling your gaze with her own. it’s almost comedic, that this is what your relationship has become, a spew of mindless thoughts and words, your fears and dreams collided into one.

“so are you.” you spit out in response. you take notice of how her eyes widen in shock, and you hate how you still feel some sort of regret at the fact that you’ve caused that. 

xx

eventually, you can’t help this sensation bubbling up that you did actually fall for mikasa. in all the ways possible, you did. you don’t think, rather, you can’t  _ remember _ if there was ever a time where you didn’t feel like this. falling. you’re pretty sure she fell too, you  _ hope _ she did, if only for a small moment. 

it is unavoidable that you fall again, like a repeated cycle, even more hopelessly this time. you’ve never  _ felt _ the fear of  _ falling,  _ this isn’t the same thing as a meaningless trip over a scarp, when reiner’s foot accidentally crashes into yours, or when the laundry basket is too heavy and your legs give out. 

but you do feel that pain, that prickly emotion embedded into your skin, when it’s mikasa who is pushing you off of the wall, when she mutters those words. 

and  _ finally,  _ you have something else to fall for.


End file.
